and it hurts as much every single time, does it not? there was simply not enough alcohol to soothe that missing hole. i wonder what that feels like—is it dark? empty? or clear?
[Except, it was like that, wasn't it? The fact is, Chuuya could not cut Dazai out of himself. The man had burrowed too deep, too early, and there was no way to extract him now, no matter how much he wished to.]
You don't get it. The Mafia is my family, but none of the mafia are here. Dazai's the only person I know well here from back home. So yeah, it was fucked up.
then it is simply loneliness that drives you to dazai's side? what a terrible thing that is.
but then, you are incredibly lonely at times, aren't you? that expression you wore, the redness in your eyes which are normally the colour of the sea at noon ruined.
Only an idiot would rely on Dazai for company. I know him and I know how he ticks. It's helpful to have him around.
[Stop calling him out Fyodor!!!]
So what? I'm a social guy, there's nothing wrong with that. And what redness? That was the booze.
[Except it's a special kind of loneliness Chuuya has, something he stoppers up with friendship and duty and loyalty, unwavering loyalty. Those things give him purpose, give him identity, give him a path to walk with pride.]
i know him and i know how he ticks, the soft underbelly that holds your name written across and he tries to hide. the way he would be good at the cost of his true nature, of himself, of how much he could be like me but won't. the differences between us that are made only wider by our diverging paths—do you not remember this conversation either? you looked so sad, as if my own connection with dazai could ease the ache his absence causes in you.
but you don't have to be alone even if dazai is not here--i told you this too.
['Soft underbelly he tries to hide'...? What the fuck, Fyodor?
It's true, though. Fyodor and Dazai are similar, but dissimilar as well. Their choices made all the difference, though it certainly wasn't as simple as a choice between lawful living and crime. It was about purpose, wants and desires.
Chuuya doesn't remember a lick of the conversation Fyodor is referencing, and it makes him blanch at his charm to hear as much from him. But... something about it--]
...Are you lying right now? You and Dazai are two different people, I don't think I would think of you as some... some stand-in, even while drunk.
Sure, I probably welcomed your company. But it wouldn't have been because you're like Dazai.
i am fully aware dazai and i are different people [ though, in a way fyodor doesn't like that separation but that's not the issue here. he blinks, communication pausing for a moment as he parses through chuuya's words. ]
as you were rather inebriated at the time i assumed otherwise.
and why would i lie about any of this? it serves no purpose, and i do not wish to turn you and dazai against each other.
You're pretty decent conversation, when you're not trying to cause problems on purpose, so I probably just wanted your company.
Besides, getting drunk around Dazai is only fun if he's drunk, too. Otherwise he's liable to pull stupid pranks like replacing the wine in my glass with vinegar or grape juice. You've got actual manners, so that's a leg up right there.
If you just assumed otherwise, just don't assume again.
Eh? I'm me. Of course I could refuse any company I don't want, what the hell?
But yeah, it takes a lot to get Dazai drunk. Or high. Or anything, really. Some people in the underworld dose just to get a tolerance, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't Dazai's intention.
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[He's been in the bar a lot of nights, lately.
...And very blackout drunk for most of them.]
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This is the downside of his drinking: he can sometimes do things and not recall a lick of what happened later.]
I've been in the bar a lot of nights lately. Exactly what time are you talking about?
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At least he didn't do anything too stupid... he hopes.]
It wasn't that bad. The fucker up and disappeared again, what of it? It wouldn't be the first time.
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[Except, it was like that, wasn't it? The fact is, Chuuya could not cut Dazai out of himself. The man had burrowed too deep, too early, and there was no way to extract him now, no matter how much he wished to.]
You don't get it. The Mafia is my family, but none of the mafia are here. Dazai's the only person I know well here from back home. So yeah, it was fucked up.
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but then, you are incredibly lonely at times, aren't you? that expression you wore, the redness in your eyes which are normally the colour of the sea at noon ruined.
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[Stop calling him out Fyodor!!!]
So what? I'm a social guy, there's nothing wrong with that. And what redness? That was the booze.
[Except it's a special kind of loneliness Chuuya has, something he stoppers up with friendship and duty and loyalty, unwavering loyalty. Those things give him purpose, give him identity, give him a path to walk with pride.]
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but you don't have to be alone even if dazai is not here--i told you this too.
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It's true, though. Fyodor and Dazai are similar, but dissimilar as well. Their choices made all the difference, though it certainly wasn't as simple as a choice between lawful living and crime. It was about purpose, wants and desires.
Chuuya doesn't remember a lick of the conversation Fyodor is referencing, and it makes him blanch at his charm to hear as much from him. But... something about it--]
...Are you lying right now? You and Dazai are two different people, I don't think I would think of you as some... some stand-in, even while drunk.
Sure, I probably welcomed your company. But it wouldn't have been because you're like Dazai.
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as you were rather inebriated at the time i assumed otherwise.
and why would i lie about any of this? it serves no purpose, and i do not wish to turn you and dazai against each other.
[ he only wants what they have ]
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You're pretty decent conversation, when you're not trying to cause problems on purpose, so I probably just wanted your company.
Besides, getting drunk around Dazai is only fun if he's drunk, too. Otherwise he's liable to pull stupid pranks like replacing the wine in my glass with vinegar or grape juice. You've got actual manners, so that's a leg up right there.
If you just assumed otherwise, just don't assume again.
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the first instinct is to doubt everything just said now. ]
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but it does not surprise me despite never having spent time with dazai while he is well and truly gone under the influence of alcohol
[ it wouldn't be smart to be drunk around fyodor after all ]
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Eh? I'm me. Of course I could refuse any company I don't want, what the hell?
But yeah, it takes a lot to get Dazai drunk. Or high. Or anything, really. Some people in the underworld dose just to get a tolerance, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't Dazai's intention.
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well, it's not important i suppose.
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Or are you trying to imply I was fucking pining? Because if so, that's so wrong it's disgusting.
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[ spoilers: it's the second one ]
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Sorry your sex life sucks so bad.
[This coming from the workaholic who only engaged in one night stands before arriving here? Yeah.
Yeaaaaaah.]
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