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[darkdisgrace]

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[nullificates]

(the minute his back hits the floor, that's when he's already shoving chuuya from the top of him, roughly, angrily, and only god knows why.)

Bye, slug.

[darkdisgrace]

[Something about the tension between them has changed, and Chuuya doesn't know why, but it pisses him off like nothing else.

So when Dazai shoves him off, he goes... but there's no escaping Chuuya when he twists and lashes out to snatch Dazai's arm instead.]

Not happening.

[nullificates]

Why not? Let go.

(like this, there's not much dazai can do but ask for the grip to leave him. chuuya's physically stronger, and pulling his arm back could lead to injury.

stupid glass bones.)

[darkdisgrace]

[Chuuya doesn't plan to break Dazai's arm, but he is very certain that letting Dazai run off now would be a terrible idea. So he won't.]

No. If I let you go, you're gonna do something stupid.

[nullificates]

Hiding from women and now you sounds like an incredible plan, very smart, considering you're mad at me.

(sabotaging. sabotaging is awful, just as it's great.)

Scared I'm leaving you again?

[darkdisgrace]

[Chuuya tenses, but there's no hiding that there is something like concern in his expression, beneath the anger.]

I think you're trying to go off and do something fucking stupid, and either I'm going to regret letting you or you're going to regret doing it. So no, you're not leaving my sight.

[nullificates]

Like what?

(goddamnit, chuuya, truly a loyal puppy. he wants to be yelled at!!! sincerely so!! so that chuuya moves their beds away and dazai doesn't have to wake up happy and warm!!!)

[darkdisgrace]

[Loyalty was Chuuya’s greatest virtue, but also his greatest weakness. He constantly put others before himself, he didn’t know when to give up or let go.

And he certainly wasn’t letting go when his instincts were screaming at him that dazai was being a bigger moron than usual.]

Fuck if i know, you can be annoyingly creative. But i’m not letting you out of my sight until i figure out why you’re really acting like this.

[nullificates]

Again, did I give you abandonment issues?

(push a knife in, twist a knife in, he sabotages his own peace.)

[darkdisgrace]

[Oh fuck you, Dazai. Chuuya's grip tighten just a little, his shoulders gaining a tension that wasn't there before.]

Like fuck you did.

[The abandonment issues have been there since he was 15. They've only grown ever since, with every loss.]

[nullificates]

Then it wouldn't make a difference if I left you again.

(eventually, chuuya will be able to see what this is about.

whatever he wants is lost when he wants it. peace in their newfound home is as terrifying as it is pleasurable.

acting out because he's a coward is easier.)

[darkdisgrace]

[Oh, he's certainly starting to see it. He doesn't like it, it's too much vulnerability, too much being said without being said at all, and it's uncomfortable in the raw honesty of it.

And yet... it also makes him angry. His hand on Dazai's wrist tugs him closer, something sharp and hot and hurt in his eyes.]

Don't just assume things like that you bastard. Do you really think I'd bother spending time with you if I didn't want to?

[He doesn't like that he has to vocalize it-- but sometimes hearing the words is affirming in it's own way.]

[nullificates]

Let me rephrase. Are you not worried I might disappear again?

(his wrist hurts. chuuya is stronger than he looks underneath the tiny build, but he reacts nothing to it.

he sees the hurt. can he upset chuuya so dazai is not hurt later?

[darkdisgrace]

[Dazai just keeps digging and digging at these sore spots, and Chuuya hates it. Of course he worries. He questions whether it's a wise choice to still trust Dazai, to expect him to be there in this world: within sight, within reach. It feels like standing on uneven ground, walking along the edge of a cliff without his ability to catch him, and Dazai is forever the one who is always capable of throwing Chuuya off balance.

But he also knows...]

You say that like I'll let you.

[nullificates]

You let me once. Do you regret it? Is that why you're not letting go of my wrist?

(unfair is to bring that as something to blame. dazai vanished out of thin air, gone, and no one that wasn't in the room with himself and mori could have predicted it.

he's not getting the results he wants, not with words that bait or poke. chuuya has already noticed, most likely.)

Won't you yell at me, Chuuya?

[darkdisgrace]

I didn't let you do anything. I wasn't even around when that shit went down.

[Which made it worse, coming back from a mission to find out Dazai had defected. He'd gotten looks from various fellow mafia members afterward-- how did Chuuya, Dazai's partner and the other half of double black, not know?

It burned for a long time.]

But right now? I'm not letting go. And I'm not going to yell at you right now, because I think you want that.

[The certainty of that is certainly growing firm now.]

[nullificates]

You should remember the wine you bought to celebrate.

(this time, finally, he'll pull his wrist to release it. he wants to remind chuuya just how bad it is.

to trust dazai is to not have what one wants, too.)

[darkdisgrace]

And? You have no idea how that day went, you shithead.

[Anger simmers low in his veins, and it's this sort of anger that's the worst, with Chuuya: Not an explosion, no, but a slow build that can be devastating when it finally escapes.]

You were a fucking bastard for leaving without a word, and I'm not gonna forgive you for that. But now that I know the reason, I can at least understand, a little.

[Even if it was with a bitter sort of irony. Which only fuels his next statement.] You don't get to decide this stuff for me, Dazai.

[He tugs back on Dazai's wrist instead, dragging him closer.]

[nullificates]

You know part of the reason. Isn't it awful, to be left like that?

(come. on. chuuya, please, help him out. his words are poison, trying to seep under his skin, but his eyes ask, even if beneath the mask of uncaring, unsensing, unfeeling.

or perhaps it's not a mask at all, and the feeling is genuine.)

Then what is it you decide, Chuuya?

[darkdisgrace]

It was fucking awful, yeah. Did you know everyone looked at me with suspicion afterwards? People thinking 'How did he not know Dazai was leaving? Did he help him escape?'. It was only when that bomb went off and after a long chat with Mori that people stopped talking.

[Now that he knows why, he understands what Mori was doing: probing for how much Chuuya might have known about Dazai, what had happened, his potential whereabouts. Examining Chuuya's feelings on it all, to see where the remaining half of double black stood on Dazai's defection.

He'd been rewarded for his loyalty with a significant chunk of Dazai's abandoned workload, and the boss' endless lamenting about Dazai's empty seat in spite of Chuuya's dogged loyalty.]

I'm not letting you run away this time, not here in this world where you're in reach. And I refuse to be another knife you use on yourself when things get overwhelming.

[nullificates]

Did Mori tell you he shoved me out? Left me no choice? Isn't that great, betrayal from all sides!

(snippets of information. everything in the mafia is so compact, so hidden, and there are things he's sure chuuya doesn't know, even with being so high up in the ranks. mori is a piece of shit.

his other hand pinches the bridge of his nose, a sigh, dramatic, loud, but genuine.)

You're unbearable.

[darkdisgrace]

Now you're bullshitting me. Boss has left your seat open for four years! He still wants you back! It's damn annoying, is what it is!

[He wanted Dazai, regardless of how good anyone else is at the job.]

Yeah, well you've been a pain in my ass since I was 15. I'm pretty sure I'm entitled to some form of compensation for that, so you're stuck with me right now.

[nullificates]

He does not. It's for show. That way, you all won't think it is his fault that I left. He is full of shit, Chuuya, and it is delusional that you can't see that.

(exactly the icon matches his expression, and for the last words, his eyes just roll. chuuya, you're stupid...)

[darkdisgrace]

Why the hell would Mori do that? You were one of the biggest money makers the mafia had.

[Which takes Chuuya some doing to admit, but really Dazai.]

Everyone knew he was setting you up to take over someday!

[nullificates]

And someone who had his secrets in my hand, a birthright to slit his throat, and could kill or create an uprising against him. Besides, is it truly that advantageous to Mori to have his moneymaker that close to someone whose morals tell him not to kill?