(goddamnit, chuuya, truly a loyal puppy. he wants to be yelled at!!! sincerely so!! so that chuuya moves their beds away and dazai doesn't have to wake up happy and warm!!!)
[Loyalty was Chuuya’s greatest virtue, but also his greatest weakness. He constantly put others before himself, he didn’t know when to give up or let go.
And he certainly wasn’t letting go when his instincts were screaming at him that dazai was being a bigger moron than usual.]
Fuck if i know, you can be annoyingly creative. But i’m not letting you out of my sight until i figure out why you’re really acting like this.
[Oh, he's certainly starting to see it. He doesn't like it, it's too much vulnerability, too much being said without being said at all, and it's uncomfortable in the raw honesty of it.
And yet... it also makes him angry. His hand on Dazai's wrist tugs him closer, something sharp and hot and hurt in his eyes.]
Don't just assume things like that you bastard. Do you really think I'd bother spending time with you if I didn't want to?
[He doesn't like that he has to vocalize it-- but sometimes hearing the words is affirming in it's own way.]
[Dazai just keeps digging and digging at these sore spots, and Chuuya hates it. Of course he worries. He questions whether it's a wise choice to still trust Dazai, to expect him to be there in this world: within sight, within reach. It feels like standing on uneven ground, walking along the edge of a cliff without his ability to catch him, and Dazai is forever the one who is always capable of throwing Chuuya off balance.
You let me once. Do you regret it? Is that why you're not letting go of my wrist?
(unfair is to bring that as something to blame. dazai vanished out of thin air, gone, and no one that wasn't in the room with himself and mori could have predicted it.
he's not getting the results he wants, not with words that bait or poke. chuuya has already noticed, most likely.)
I didn't let you do anything. I wasn't even around when that shit went down.
[Which made it worse, coming back from a mission to find out Dazai had defected. He'd gotten looks from various fellow mafia members afterward-- how did Chuuya, Dazai's partner and the other half of double black, not know?
It burned for a long time.]
But right now? I'm not letting go. And I'm not going to yell at you right now, because I think you want that.
[The certainty of that is certainly growing firm now.]
And? You have no idea how that day went, you shithead.
[Anger simmers low in his veins, and it's this sort of anger that's the worst, with Chuuya: Not an explosion, no, but a slow build that can be devastating when it finally escapes.]
You were a fucking bastard for leaving without a word, and I'm not gonna forgive you for that. But now that I know the reason, I can at least understand, a little.
[Even if it was with a bitter sort of irony. Which only fuels his next statement.] You don't get to decide this stuff for me, Dazai.
[He tugs back on Dazai's wrist instead, dragging him closer.]
You know part of the reason. Isn't it awful, to be left like that?
(come. on. chuuya, please, help him out. his words are poison, trying to seep under his skin, but his eyes ask, even if beneath the mask of uncaring, unsensing, unfeeling.
or perhaps it's not a mask at all, and the feeling is genuine.)
It was fucking awful, yeah. Did you know everyone looked at me with suspicion afterwards? People thinking 'How did he not know Dazai was leaving? Did he help him escape?'. It was only when that bomb went off and after a long chat with Mori that people stopped talking.
[Now that he knows why, he understands what Mori was doing: probing for how much Chuuya might have known about Dazai, what had happened, his potential whereabouts. Examining Chuuya's feelings on it all, to see where the remaining half of double black stood on Dazai's defection.
He'd been rewarded for his loyalty with a significant chunk of Dazai's abandoned workload, and the boss' endless lamenting about Dazai's empty seat in spite of Chuuya's dogged loyalty.]
I'm not letting you run away this time, not here in this world where you're in reach. And I refuse to be another knife you use on yourself when things get overwhelming.
Did Mori tell you he shoved me out? Left me no choice? Isn't that great, betrayal from all sides!
(snippets of information. everything in the mafia is so compact, so hidden, and there are things he's sure chuuya doesn't know, even with being so high up in the ranks. mori is a piece of shit.
his other hand pinches the bridge of his nose, a sigh, dramatic, loud, but genuine.)
Now you're bullshitting me. Boss has left your seat open for four years! He still wants you back! It's damn annoying, is what it is!
[He wanted Dazai, regardless of how good anyone else is at the job.]
Yeah, well you've been a pain in my ass since I was 15. I'm pretty sure I'm entitled to some form of compensation for that, so you're stuck with me right now.
He does not. It's for show. That way, you all won't think it is his fault that I left. He is full of shit, Chuuya, and it is delusional that you can't see that.
(exactly the icon matches his expression, and for the last words, his eyes just roll. chuuya, you're stupid...)
And someone who had his secrets in my hand, a birthright to slit his throat, and could kill or create an uprising against him. Besides, is it truly that advantageous to Mori to have his moneymaker that close to someone whose morals tell him not to kill?
No, explain. Yeah Mori killed the old boss, but I'm pretty sure most of the executives already know that. What do you mean you have a birthright to slit his throat?
Do I need to draw? You already explained it yourself right now. He killed the boss. He is the boss. I have the right to become the boss. And the answer is...?
[It takes Chuuya a moment, because they've already established Mori was training Dazai to take over someday. But 'birthright' meant something different entirely. Sure, Chuuya wasn't exactly well versed in blood family things, but..]
Think about that one time you sort of met him. Why on Earth would a mafia boss know a suicidal kid, call him brat, say I'm a nostalgic face, and why would I know he has back problems?
(has chuuya never really stopped to consider these things?)
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(goddamnit, chuuya, truly a loyal puppy. he wants to be yelled at!!! sincerely so!! so that chuuya moves their beds away and dazai doesn't have to wake up happy and warm!!!)
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And he certainly wasn’t letting go when his instincts were screaming at him that dazai was being a bigger moron than usual.]
Fuck if i know, you can be annoyingly creative. But i’m not letting you out of my sight until i figure out why you’re really acting like this.
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(push a knife in, twist a knife in, he sabotages his own peace.)
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Like fuck you did.
[The abandonment issues have been there since he was 15. They've only grown ever since, with every loss.]
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(eventually, chuuya will be able to see what this is about.
whatever he wants is lost when he wants it. peace in their newfound home is as terrifying as it is pleasurable.
acting out because he's a coward is easier.)
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And yet... it also makes him angry. His hand on Dazai's wrist tugs him closer, something sharp and hot and hurt in his eyes.]
Don't just assume things like that you bastard. Do you really think I'd bother spending time with you if I didn't want to?
[He doesn't like that he has to vocalize it-- but sometimes hearing the words is affirming in it's own way.]
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(his wrist hurts. chuuya is stronger than he looks underneath the tiny build, but he reacts nothing to it.
he sees the hurt. can he upset chuuya so dazai is not hurt later?
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But he also knows...]
You say that like I'll let you.
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(unfair is to bring that as something to blame. dazai vanished out of thin air, gone, and no one that wasn't in the room with himself and mori could have predicted it.
he's not getting the results he wants, not with words that bait or poke. chuuya has already noticed, most likely.)
Won't you yell at me, Chuuya?
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[Which made it worse, coming back from a mission to find out Dazai had defected. He'd gotten looks from various fellow mafia members afterward-- how did Chuuya, Dazai's partner and the other half of double black, not know?
It burned for a long time.]
But right now? I'm not letting go. And I'm not going to yell at you right now, because I think you want that.
[The certainty of that is certainly growing firm now.]
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(this time, finally, he'll pull his wrist to release it. he wants to remind chuuya just how bad it is.
to trust dazai is to not have what one wants, too.)
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[Anger simmers low in his veins, and it's this sort of anger that's the worst, with Chuuya: Not an explosion, no, but a slow build that can be devastating when it finally escapes.]
You were a fucking bastard for leaving without a word, and I'm not gonna forgive you for that. But now that I know the reason, I can at least understand, a little.
[Even if it was with a bitter sort of irony. Which only fuels his next statement.] You don't get to decide this stuff for me, Dazai.
[He tugs back on Dazai's wrist instead, dragging him closer.]
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(come. on. chuuya, please, help him out. his words are poison, trying to seep under his skin, but his eyes ask, even if beneath the mask of uncaring, unsensing, unfeeling.
or perhaps it's not a mask at all, and the feeling is genuine.)
Then what is it you decide, Chuuya?
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[Now that he knows why, he understands what Mori was doing: probing for how much Chuuya might have known about Dazai, what had happened, his potential whereabouts. Examining Chuuya's feelings on it all, to see where the remaining half of double black stood on Dazai's defection.
He'd been rewarded for his loyalty with a significant chunk of Dazai's abandoned workload, and the boss' endless lamenting about Dazai's empty seat in spite of Chuuya's dogged loyalty.]
I'm not letting you run away this time, not here in this world where you're in reach. And I refuse to be another knife you use on yourself when things get overwhelming.
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(snippets of information. everything in the mafia is so compact, so hidden, and there are things he's sure chuuya doesn't know, even with being so high up in the ranks. mori is a piece of shit.
his other hand pinches the bridge of his nose, a sigh, dramatic, loud, but genuine.)
You're unbearable.
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[He wanted Dazai, regardless of how good anyone else is at the job.]
Yeah, well you've been a pain in my ass since I was 15. I'm pretty sure I'm entitled to some form of compensation for that, so you're stuck with me right now.
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(exactly the icon matches his expression, and for the last words, his eyes just roll. chuuya, you're stupid...)
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[Which takes Chuuya some doing to admit, but really Dazai.]
Everyone knew he was setting you up to take over someday!
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Are you're saying that shriveled old man was--
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(has chuuya never really stopped to consider these things?)
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cw suicide
CW: suicide
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