(it's not the time to say what he wants to say - that he'd have to go through gogol, too, which would be funny to imagine -- if he still were here. this is partly the reason why he doesn't want to do anything. an avalanche of things - all these thoughts in his brain, reminding him that he might not be who he wants to be. oda. that curse of loneliness. the fact doing 'good' is so subjective. how he won't get to see gogol again - and he was just being miserable with him not even a week ago.
either way. it's one thing in the sea of things that has been fixed, and that thought makes him use his strength to squeeze chuuya to the best of his capabilities, another kiss pressed.)
[Chuuya knows. He knows things aren't 'okay', not by a long shot. But it's a little bit of lightness, a little less weighing both of them down-- and that's enough, right now. Enough to sleep on, hopefully.
He responds to Dazai's squeezing with a squeeze of his own, burrowing if possible even more firmly against Dazai, pressing a kiss to Dazai's shoulder.]
Says the guy who said 'I love you' when he first met me, at fifteen. What the fuck. I think you win the medal there, mackerel.
[Said with some amusement, a small bit of bafflement. Part of him wants to ask about that-- about what Dazai could have possibly seen in him, back then. About why. But right now it's enough to know it, to have heard it.]
If you were smarter, you'd have gotten what I meant when I said I wasn't going to say it again, but there's wind going through your ears.
(or, like, bitch, not everyone has your stupid memory.
but he saw... it'd be hard to explain even if chuuya did dare to ask - which, he knows, most likely he won't. talking... it's a skill they're still developing, still so new, and they're not particularly great at it. takes trial and error, takes a day or two.)
That's sex, it's an entirely different beast. How many people have you dated that didn't want to murder you later?
[Chuuya says this, as if he has had any dating experience to speak of.
Dazai is never allowed to know.] Maybe instead of 'social skills', I should say 'emotional intelligence'? You're a special brand of idiot, that's for sure.
[And yet somehow, it's said with an absolutely sickening amount of wry fondness.]
I don't date. Mostly I fuck for longer periods of time and then fake my death or something. Whatever works.
(because that's SO MUCH better? dazai? please?)
Excuse me. Is it because I did molly so I could get into your pants with no accountability? Thought that was extreme intelligence on my emotional part.
You're pretty crap at it then, because the amount of women who want you dead is still legendary back home. And what do you mean you don't date?! A lot of them seem to think way differently.
[Gosh he's tempted to bite him for that.
...He's too comfortable though. Enough so that Dazai's admission gets a snort out of him instead of a scolding.] You do realize I knew that was on purpose at the time, right? Plausible deniability is close enough, I guess.
(it certainly does. probably all this honesty and openess won't ever make things easier. right now, they can find some solace in it, but in a month? two? perhaps they're digging their own grave.
dazai's cowardness, chuuya's inability to let go. dazai's machinations, chuuya's forgiveness.)
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either way. it's one thing in the sea of things that has been fixed, and that thought makes him use his strength to squeeze chuuya to the best of his capabilities, another kiss pressed.)
You're so disgustingly in love. Very gross.
(but said with no bite, more like a leg pulling.)
... We'll see tomorrow...
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He responds to Dazai's squeezing with a squeeze of his own, burrowing if possible even more firmly against Dazai, pressing a kiss to Dazai's shoulder.]
Says the guy who said 'I love you' when he first met me, at fifteen. What the fuck. I think you win the medal there, mackerel.
[Said with some amusement, a small bit of bafflement. Part of him wants to ask about that-- about what Dazai could have possibly seen in him, back then. About why. But right now it's enough to know it, to have heard it.]
Mmmhm.. Tomorrow it is.
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(or, like, bitch, not everyone has your stupid memory.
but he saw... it'd be hard to explain even if chuuya did dare to ask - which, he knows, most likely he won't. talking... it's a skill they're still developing, still so new, and they're not particularly great at it. takes trial and error, takes a day or two.)
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[Talking has been the bane of their existence since day one. The problem with knowing each other so innately, maybe.
But they're trying, which is huge for the both of them.]
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(actual question. please provide answer.)
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[Chuuya says this, as if he has had any dating experience to speak of.
Dazai is never allowed to know.] Maybe instead of 'social skills', I should say 'emotional intelligence'? You're a special brand of idiot, that's for sure.
[And yet somehow, it's said with an absolutely sickening amount of wry fondness.]
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(because that's SO MUCH better? dazai? please?)
Excuse me. Is it because I did molly so I could get into your pants with no accountability? Thought that was extreme intelligence on my emotional part.
(LIKE CHUUYA DIDN'T KNOW HE DID IT ON PURPOSE.)
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[Gosh he's tempted to bite him for that.
...He's too comfortable though. Enough so that Dazai's admission gets a snort out of him instead of a scolding.] You do realize I knew that was on purpose at the time, right? Plausible deniability is close enough, I guess.
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(what a piece of shit. and for his next attempt to talk--)
Well, works both ways! You can totally also say-- he was willing, and I was horny, and since he was like that, it totally didn't mean a thing!
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[And yet, he loves this man.
That probably says a lot of unfortunate things about Chuuya himself.] Yeah yeah, pretty sure that was the point at the time.
['at the time'. They certainly didn't need the excuses now, though.] But look at us now.
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dazai's cowardness, chuuya's inability to let go. dazai's machinations, chuuya's forgiveness.)
Well, we had been... You know.
(... ugh. making disgusting love.)
Affectionate. We have been here for a while.