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[darkdisgrace]

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[fatalism]

if i knew the why for certain i would not ask.

and you recently told me not to "assume again"

[darkdisgrace]

And yet here you are, assuming again.

[A beat.]

You're not wrong though, we have kissed. But that's a recent development, and definitely not something we'd have done back home.

[Congrats Fyodor, you're right!!!]

[fatalism]

i don't think it counts as an assumption if it's something i know to be true.

the question why does he kiss you? because it is nice? because it is a prerequisite to sexual intercourse?

[darkdisgrace]

I can't speak for Dazai, I can only speak for me. But my perception? It's nice. It's easy and challenging all at once. And yeah, it leads to some pretty fantastic sex when you know a guy like the back of your hand.

[There's so much else he could say here. It's Comforting, it feels like coming home, and when he's been homesick since arriving here that speaks volumes. Physical satisfaction is secondary to the emotional aspects in some ways, but talking about those emotional aspects?

That's hard.]

[fatalism]

[ oh. oh he doesn't like that. but then, if sex is good with someone you know that well then— ]

dazai kisses men plural. and women too. i suppose the question is if there is a particular trend as to why he picks particular people over others.

so your motivation is familiarity and comfort. [ but what is fyodor's? not those for sure. ]

[darkdisgrace]

Oh Dazai will fuck just about anyone. Sex is like, a hobby for him. He'll fuck for fun, for profit, for the hell of it. He told me recently he's been fucking secretaries in the mafia for info for fuck's sake, and when I get home I'm gonna have to fire mine, damn it.

If he hasn't fucked half this town already, I'd be surprised, and it wouldn't be for lack of him trying.

That being said, he's definitely into you for way more than sex. The bastard is smitten, it's cringe worthy to watch.

[fatalism]

[ fyodor briefly wonders if he should be jealous of half the town. ]

i haven't had sex with dazai [ it is a clarification that is perhaps unnecessary. ] you see, people are boring, when i watch them i can see what they're thinking, what mistakes they will make before they even realise the path they're on is twisted. kissing, sex, intimacy are factors i have seen play out in the same way over and over

[ not in regards to himself, however. ]

i assumed those things felt the same regardless of changed variables [ he means different partners. ]

[darkdisgrace]

Nah, sex feels good regardless, but I guess there's something better about it, when you trust the person and enjoy their company. Not that I do that often myself, but I've had a few friends with benefits over the years.

[Which... is definitely not the same thing. Those were strictly no strings attached outside of the bedroom and the bar. But that was a risk he couldn't afford, as a mafia executive.]

Hell, I'd say every person can be different, based on who they are to you and what you like about them. Attraction is like that, you know?

And I know you haven't had sex with Dazai, because last time you were here, you propositioned him and he turned you down. Which speaks volumes about how fucking smitten he is, let me tell you.

[fatalism]

i don't particularly know, no. it has never been of interest to look beyond this at a more personal level, you understand? actions and emotions have interconnecting points, but those are often irrational decisions which happen when the person is mislead by their own blindness.

you are having sex with him and yet you say this so casually and as if it is of no consequence.

i wish he hadn't turned me down, that it had gotten over and done with.

[darkdisgrace]

Sex is sex. People have it for all sorts of reasons, y'know. And what kind of blindness are you talking about?

With Dazai, the fact he hasn't fucked you speaks volumes more than him fucking around. That means it means something to him that you really want it. The guy is a coward, y'know?

Things that don't have consequence, he doesn't really care if he fucks them up.

[fatalism]

you understand that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, yes?

[darkdisgrace]

It makes perfect sense?

[fatalism]

sexual intercourse always has consequences. whether big or small, it isn't an act to just partake in for no reason.

dazai's approach, as you say, is recreational but i doubt it is that simple and consequenceless.

[darkdisgrace]

Yeah it has consequences, that's why he's always giving his one night stands my number so he doesn't have to deal with them. If I wasn't a professional I'd change my fucking voicemail to 'This is not Dazai Osamu, I'm sorry you slept with a playboy but I'm not him, bye'.

Is it that hard for you to imagine Dazai is emotionally invested in you enough to care about possibly fucking it up by doing his usual of diving dick first into things?

[fatalism]

i don't think it would be that unprofessional as it would be hilarious. of course, then anyone who got through to your voicemail would know what dazai is doing. rather embarrassing for an ex-mafia executive to do.

no, but [ he considers ] i don't commit to things lightly. what dazai wants and what i want may just simply not be compatible.

[ is fyodor admitting he's interested? yes. least he can do after trampling over chuuya's boundaries to ask personal questions. ]

[darkdisgrace]

Nah, they'd just think it was hilarious I kept getting pranked by a traitor no matter how many burn numbers I get.

[Oh.... oh, that sure is an admission. Chuuya considers his words for a moment. He could be very mean here, but... Well it honestly was kind of pathetic, watching Dazai pine.]

It's possible your ideas of commitment are different, yeah, but I'm not sure about what that entails in terms of your wants. This is just a guess on my part, but for Dazai, sex is just sex. Commitment is emotional, I think.

I only know of one previous time Dazai was in love, but suffice to say he'd do absolutely anything for them.

[fatalism]

he's not in love with me. [ that reply comes without second thought. ] fond, yes; familiar, perhaps. and i do not love him, he is familiar like another side of myself—i can talk to him without needing to explain everything, i can trust him to execute a plan right but love is devotion. it is sacrifice and commitment and forever.

it's an oath, like the ones you are familiar with. and a prayer that causes your voice to waver. it's not half of something or a shared thing. you know of the kind of emotion i speak of, don't you, chuuya-san?

[darkdisgrace]

I don't exactly have a lot of experience with romance, so fuck if I know. But I do know Dazai looks at you differently than anyone else, he considers your needs in a way he doesn't most people. it's affection, though I ain't the man to ask if you wanna know the depths of it.

[There were a lot of reasons Chuuya struggled with concepts of affection beyond giving it to those he cherished-- Those reasons obviously being what he was, who he was, but also how he'd grown up, who he'd made himself into.

But devotion? Devotion was the core of him, his blood and bones.]

Yeah, I do.

But I also know devotion comes in many forms. I'm devoted to Mori, to the Mafia, but I sure as fuck wouldn't kiss Boss. That'd be weird.

There's different kinds of devotion, and people show it differently too.

[fatalism]

[ fyodor would very much like to point out that applies to chuuya more than himself. is dazai not living with chuuya? sleeps with him? is with him? he has no interest in inserting himself where he does not belong in such an intimate manner. he's not interested in being the third part of something incomplete.

if circumstances were different he would consider it but the more he thinks back on the kiss he shared with dazai and the choices he makes in this world, and who it seems he really belongs to—]

of course devotion is different. and that is the most horrifying image you have ever shared with me, chuuya-san, i must go wash my eyes out.

[darkdisgrace]

I'm making a point! The very idea is gross and he is so not my type, damnit!!! He's too old, for one.

[And he doesn't even want to imagine what Mori's type is, thank you very much. The man jokes about Elise, but he's pretty sure those are jokes.]

High proof alcohol works wonders, if you need it.

tw; substance abuse, self-harm

[fatalism]

you made your point all too well, i am going to have to live with that image for the rest of my days.

muriatic acid. nothing else will do for this cleanse.

[darkdisgrace]

Ugh, now I need alcohol, because you've put it in my head!! Fucking hell!!

Do not drink fucking acid, just drink a bottle of vodka you drama queen. While you're at it, share some with me because you now owe me a drink for this shit.

[Ugh, he needs to forget this conversation ever happened just for that mental image!!!]

[fatalism]

a bottle of vodka? would that not be too stereotypically russian of me?

[ but chuuya isn't wrong, fyodor does have a bottle of vodka stashed away. ]

i would prefer avoiding being inebriated in a public bar.

[ p a r a n o i d ]

[darkdisgrace]

What, do you find that offensive? It's strong stuff, and you're probably familiar with it.

[He kind of doubts that Fyodor is that touchy.]

It doesn't have to be a bar. Is that a no, or a 'let me pick the place?'

[fatalism]

as long as you don't expect me to make you a white russian i am not offended.

[ he lies, he wouldn't even be offended if a joke about that cocktail was made

there is a long pause. then:]

how good is your sense of direction?